Married couples who are using donor sperm!!!

Discussion in 'Male Infertility' started by Sadie987, Jun 16, 2009.


    Sadie987 New Member


    I have some questions for married couples who have opted to use donor sperm to conceive. My DH and I recently found out that my DH can’t have bio children. We are both devastated but still have a strong interest in having a family regardless. Well, I’m more open to it than he is, but I’m praying that he comes around. He has always said that he’s against donor sperm because it would be like another guy had sex with me and he’s afraid he will end up resenting the child and not being a good enough father because of this resentment. Especially if the child looks too much like the donor and not enough like me. Because of my STRONG desire to experience pregnancy and give birth to our child another option I’ve considered is embryo adoption. My husband is a little more open to that prospect.
    Now my dilemma is that I’m starting to like the idea of donor sperm for many reasons. (I’m still open to embryo adoption though) So my questions are: how long did it take your DH to embrace the idea of donor sperm? Was he against it at 1st and then warmed up to the idea? Was he able to emotionally connect with the baby? Did the insemination upset him? Was there any resentment? When do you think you’ll tell your child that he/she is a sperm donor baby? Will you tell your family or keep it a secret? This is such a hard decision, any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Thank you.

    hopprn New Member


    sdavis New Member

    i am in 2ww after an iui using donor sperm. if you read through my signature you'll see that we have had an extremely hard last couple of years. I think that had a lot to do with my husband being so open to the idea of donor sperm. after loosing our daughter we learned that she had too many chromosomes. She had extra chomosome 12 on her 1st chromosome. We had genetic testing to see if it was something that we carried, and it turned out that my husnand has the balanced translocation. it is a little confusing and i won't go into how it all works, but after years of trying without having a clue as to what was wrong. we felt like we finally had an answer. our dream is to have a family, and there is a whole lot more that makes a family than genetics. If we are lucky enough to have a baby, my husband will that baby's daddy in every way that matters.

    We also did photo match to try and match characteristics as well as we could. And yes we plan on telling any resulting children. We plan to keep it simple while they are young, saying that "mommy and daddy needed help to get you", and then when they get older tell them more when the time is right. The only people that know about our situation is parents, and my sisters. Other than that i would like my future children to get to decide who knows and who doesn't.

    I am sorry this is so long! hopefully you and your husband will come to an agreement. But i am willing to bet that almost all dad's to donor sperm babies will tell you that they knew that baby was thiers the moment they saw him/her.

    i hope this helped some. if you need anything else, please let me know.

    Raquel_09 New Member

    Hi Sadie,

    I am very sorry you have to be going through this. Believe me I am a basketcase too, sometimes. When we were dx in May , we were devastated. I cried for almost 2 weeks!! I still cry , but not as much. I guess because there is hope to have the family we want. Maybe it is not exactly how we wanted it, but a family is a family.

    In our situation we have not used ds yet, but we may very well go that route. We have our first appointment this coming Tuesday on the 23rd. They still have to check my DH if he produces sperm at all.

    I thank God everyday that my husband immediately liked the idea of donor sperm. He told me," it's not blood that makes a family." My mom is very supportive. My dad was a little negative, but I know he will get over it. It will be his grandchild either way.
    I will only tell very close friends and friends that I KNOW are nonjudgmental. Some already know and are supportive and positive.
    As far as telling the child, well that I am not sure. I do want to tell him/her, but the question is when. I think I rather tell the child because if they find out by someone else accidently, I think they will be hurt. So I feel ( this is my opinion) that my child should know the truth.

    I know it is very hard. Today I am positive, then there are days I cry and cry. I think in time, it will get better. Once you hold that little one in your arms, I think it is not even going to matter...

    KUP Sadie! Your dream of having a family WILL come true!!!

    AzooDude New Member

    When DW and I were deciding about donor sperm, we found an excellent book in our local library, which I found particularly helpful on the topic of whether, when, and how to tell: Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families: Diane Ehrensaft: Books

    I shared my dude perspective on deciding about DS in a long reply to someone else in this thread: (I've posted about it lots, but that long post is the best summary of several issues in one post.)

    Briefly, though...I wouldn't say I ever opposed the idea per se (like, "DS is just wrong or unnaural!"), but it took me a few months to wrap my head around it and accept it for myself. There's an instinctive "other man's sperm" objection that I think never goes away entirely, but I overcame that by framing it all in terms of what being the "real" father means, to the point that the donated genetic material is just that - donated genetic material. The DS doesn't represent another father, or lover, or anything that would threaten my postion as husband and father - just raw material we needed someone else to provide. In a twist, we ended up with twin daughters (almost 2.5 months old now) using donor eggs and my own sperm that was found through a micro-TESE procedure, but the same thinking is true for both of us about the donor eggs. (Try to imagine that scenario, too, and how you would feel about it, to relate to what DH might be thinking.) It was raw material we needed and we're both thankful to the donor for it, but the babies are *ours*. We plan to be open with our kids in age-appropriate ways, so they won't get every detail right away, but we hope the facts of their conception will be so matter-of-fact from an early age that it won't attract the mystery and power that keeping it a secret would.

    Good luck.

    kimsracic New Member

    Hi Sadie,
    My DH and I have discussed DS and he is dead set against it. I was too at first, but reading a lot of threads here has opened up my mind to it. At first I thought, our baby is either going to be both of us or neither of us. But then, I came accross this article in Redbook written by a guy who's azoospermic and he and his DW chose to use DS. It wasn't a long article and it wasn't written with that much emotion, but I cried my eyes out just the same. (It seems just about anything having to do with parenthood, children and infertility has open up the floodgates these days. )Here's the link: Choosing a Sperm Donor Dad - Story of Male Infertility - Redbook. (I hope I pasted that right. If not, google 'Redbook' and 'azoospermia' and it's the first link that pops up.) In the end, he doesn't see his DNA or someone elses DNA in his child, he sees the love and connection that they have, despite the fact that they don't have DNA in common.
    From what I've read from other posts and on other websites is that men may take a little longer to come around to the idea of using DS. I can see how guys would kind of be protective in the sense that they don't want any other guy near their wife, even if it's anonymous and simply just DS. I don't know if that's my husband's deal or not. He's reluctant to talk about it and justs want to wait til we get his biopsy results back (UR suspects OA :cross: ).
    I'll :pray: he comes around and you can both be on the same page. I have a feeling though, that once he's by your side during :preg: and there to witness the miracle of birth, any resentment he may have thought he would have had, would hopefully disappear. That article would be good for him to read too.

    Sending :babydust: your way, no matter how it gets to you!!! :cheer:

    colsxjack New Member

    My wife is currently pregnant and going to give birth any day to our first. The child was conceived through IVF with donor sperm.
    Yes, it would have been nice if we were just able to get pregnant. And yes, it would have been extra nice if we both were able to give the child our DNA. But we couldn't. Or maybe possibly could have with a lot more money and more extensive and invasive procedures.

    Anyway. I am extremely happy that my wife is pregnant and that we are going to have a child. She wanted to experience pregnancy if possible and I wanted that for her too. We both very much wanted to have a family. I am not bothered at all with the fact that some other guys genetic material was used to impregnate my wife. I very much see and feel the child is mine. I am much happier that we used donor sperm and not donor embryos. I am glad the child will have my wife's genetics. I hope it has her beautiful eyes.

    Maybe you can help hook your husband up with some support. Either an online group or the therapist through the fertility clinic. Maybe it may just take some time or maybe he has some specific aspects he needs to work through to make it comfortable with him.

    As for the aspect that it may seem like someone else had sexual relations with my wife. The whole procedures and such that needs to happen to get pregnant in a fertility clinic has not one iota of sexy attached to it. I was in the room for every one of all of those procedures and it would take a great imagination to even link sexual activity to "how it all happened".

    Whether we went for DS or donor embryos or adoption....either scenario still means I do not have a genetic link to the child. I couldn't imagine saying to my wife that if I cant have a genetic link to the child than neither can she.

    missb1081 New Member

    we will be giving ds a try

    hi sadie, i too am in the same situation as yourself. We were devestated to learn that a recent Tesicular biopsy resulted in 0 sperm. we had thought since a few years back he had a successful biopsythat it would be no problem. When he came out of his appt. and told me it was unsuccessful we both cried all day. It was sad around the house for a few days but finally he came to me and said he didn't care about using DS anymore, that he just wanted a family. so now i start my shots of Lucrin tomorrow and we move forward.


    Couples where the husband has no sperm in the ejaculate and further investigations showed no presence of the process of spermatogenesis sperm production in the testes. Couples where the male partner has sperm in storage channels of sperm or testicular tissue, but the woman is unable to undergo IVF / ICSI. Men carrying certain inherited genetic diseases.

    brit1612 New Member

    I know where you are coming from. For a while I was hoping my DH would come around to the idea of donor sperm, and I think he may have agreed eventually. After 4 fresh IVF cycles, we knew we had to try something different. I came across the idea of donor embryos on the web and decided to ask him what he thought of it. For some reason he was a lot more open to this idea. I think he felt like we would both have the same connection to the child. It worked out great and we have a little boy now. Just thought I would share the idea with you. Good luck with everything!

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