what's the meanest thing somebody's said to you

Discussion in 'Raging Hormones' started by fuzzykitten, Apr 17, 2009.

  1. MusicLover

    MusicLover New Member

    My mother shared sensitive information about our infertility issues with my younger brother, who then proceeded to mock us for needing IVF.

    Needless to say, we booted these class acts out of our lives. An unfortunate outcome, but warranted and necessary for our own emotional health. We have zero tolerance for this type of behavior from anyone, "family" included.

    Shelby
  2. bookie0116

    bookie0116 New Member

    I love this thread B/C i've been wanting to express what was said to me for a long time now. When i told my MIL that we were ttc i also told her that her son had a low SC and motility and that was the reason for the hold up. She told me " well my husband had a low SC too when he was with his Ex-wife and i guess it just wasn't meant to be B/C when he married me we had four boys" and then she smiles at me with a sarcastic smile.
  3. babydoll00

    babydoll00 New Member

    I've heard many. One of my favorites is my aunt told me that 'prayer is cheaper then fertility drugs'. To which I replyed, 'I'm doing both'. We've been also told that it was better to have had a miscarriage then my baby be born with something wrong with it. This has come from family members and a nurse. Just recently another family member told us we needed to start praying, I've been doing that for 4 yrs. I know God is able and it is in His time but I also know no one else can tell me what God has in store for me or the purpose for my life. He will revel His purpose in time. Perhaps our blessing for a child may not come in a biological one but an adopted one. Then there is the ever so suddle, ' are you sure you want kids? look how mine behaves.' Makes me want to scream
    'be thankful for what you have.' A lady from my church told me that 'not eveyone is meant to be parents'. I try to overlook it all b/c I know that they are trying to be helpful but sometimes people need to realize somethings are better left unsaid.
  4. opal9596

    opal9596 New Member

    How terrible! Why are people so cruel.

    My coworker said, "You should try the regular way. It is more fun." Wow why did I not think about that before:af:

    Another coworker was *****ing about the days I had to take off. Saying, "Wawa, can I take a day off I want babies too." After she took a week off to go to the Dominican Republic on vacation.

    Another coworker said, "Isn't it nice you can come in late." No I wake up at 5 am to go to the doctor, get blood drawn, a vaginal sonagram and then rush to work. The meds make me feel sick and I have not felt like myself for two years since trying!
    I hate my job! My husband does not understand why this bothers me so much.
  5. missymae11

    missymae11 New Member

    This came out of my grandmothers mouth, "Why do you want to ruin your life and have children?"

    OMG, this coming from a women who had 7 children herself and her oldest raised them all.

    She is a JW so, I guess they have a different view, because I cant see why she would be so mean. Always telling me I am her favorite Grand Child.
  6. maybemommy10

    maybemommy10 New Member

    I have heard many insensitive comments in my 2 + years of trying, the worst came recently from my cousin when i shared with her that we were moving on to IVF soon. "Your going to spend HOW MUCH money on trying omg, that's a LOT of money, and you know you almost always LOSE the first pregnancy" Really????? reallllllyyyyyy, sigh.:grr: :grr:
  7. Melissa1076

    Melissa1076 New Member

    This thread is great. We all are going through hell and some people are just so insensitive with their lack of knowledge.

    So mine is more of what was not said...my MIL, when we recently told her what we were going through, didnt even crack a smile (which I thought she would be excited to hear we are trying to have a child who would be HER grandchild), didnt wish me luck with my IUI, hasnt called to see how I am. But the one thing she did say...my DH sent her an email to tell her not to share this info with anyone (which we found out she already did) and all she said to her son about it was "Best Wishes" :grr:

    Thank God for my family...they are all so supportive and excited and praying for me. :cheer:
  8. Eileen777

    Eileen777 New Member

    The first and last time I discussed our IVF treatments with my sister, she said, "why don't you just go buy a baby from China -- it's the same thing!" This was so offensive to me on so many levels. (1) She had no concept of my desire to have my husband's child. (2) Adoption is not "buying" a child; (3) Adoption -- and especially international adoption -- is not easy. As I said, that's the last time I've ever discussed our fertility issues with her.
  9. angelcare75

    angelcare75 New Member

    my worst ones were:

    1. while TTC DD 8 yrs ago, my own MoM and sister in law called me to tell me "Horray, Sister in Law is pregnant"...and mom knowing darn well I had just been told my my RE THAT DAY that it may be impossible for me to become pregnant...(after TTC x14 months and mult failed cycles)

    2. with current TTC #2:

    - coworker #1: "you just need to have sex on day 14, that worked three times for me!" (DUH...PCOS)

    - coworker #2: "I just don't feel like this is meant to be for you"....WHY WOULD YOU EVER SAY THAT????

    - coworker #3: "your DD is already 7. you should be happy with her and move on"

    - coworker #4: "your DD is already 7. are you crazy to want to start over?"

    - multiple coworkers: "SO and SO just adopted out of foster care. you should do that. it's easy"...

    - multiple coworkers AND family: " WHY would you two go tens of thousands of dollars in debt just for a baby???" (so far only $50k:rolleyes: )


    MY RESPONSE BACK TO EACH OF THESE:
    "Fertility is a gift. you obviously were given that gift. I was not. I don't wish it on anybody, but if you had to be in my shoes for a moment, you would answer your own STUPID statement"...

    why are people so stupid, nosy, opinionated and straight up butts?

    hang in there gals, there's a bigger plan for each of us! -a-
  10. jennscott5

    jennscott5 New Member

    Someone once told me maybe God didn't want me to have a baby. Great, I thought. So in addition to being infertille, god hates me? My reply: "I understand that you are well intentioned so I won't be rude and reply."
  11. amelie38

    amelie38 New Member

    I hate the way people try to solve our IF problems with:
    Q. Have you considered adopting internationally?
    A. Um, China has a three plus year wait and international adoption costs 25K or more. I am a full time teacher working TWO part time jobs.
    Q. Why don't you adopt from foster care?
    A. Gee, I have been licensed for almost a year now and I could be waiting another year. The economic meltdown means everyone is trying this option. "Best family" wins every time and it isn't us apparently.
    Q. What about private adoption?
    A. 16k or more.
    Q. Surrogacy?
    A. What part of I cannot afford that do you not get?

    Then I get told to relax. I want to punch the next person who tells me to relax in the face.
  12. incognito

    incognito New Member

    IVF = isolation

    I found out yesterday that my 2nd IVF attempt has failed - the only person I have told is my cousin in Florida who is going through the Clomid treatment...she too is 42, like me. Anybody else cannot possibly understand. Even my mother whose favorite saying this past week has been 'qué sera sera' - I got upset with her, easy for someone with 4 kids to say!! And then of course we love hearing 'God has other plans for you', 'Everything happens for a reason'....cause that makes it all better now doesn't it? NO, it absolutely does not, and I don't even want to talk to ANYBODY anymore, just my husband and he's already got a kid from a previous relationship (9 yr old boy who is with us now only every other weekend). I cry alone during the day and don't answer the telephone. My mother knew about the IVF and I don't even want to talk to her about it, I am afraid of hanging up on her if she says something MOTIVATIONAL you know....they mean well, but they are clueless. We are very isolated and I am glad to share this with you and anybody who wants to talk about it, you can email me at mycutefrenchie@hotmail.com - we all need someone, but that someone needs to KNOW what we are going through. Feel free to not discuss with the people who know nothing about our pain, our very deep and dark pain. I have 2 government paid for IVF treatments left, I have already paid $15,000 for the first one myself, and cannot afford another. Celine Dion comes from a half hour from my house, it took her 6 attempts, she has the money, I do not. I fear never having children because I cannot afford it, I fear at the end not wanting to live, because I don't feel like it very much right now and I still have a minimum amount of hope left. I hope I answered your question about stupidities said by the clueless. Stay strong. Stef



  13. jennscott5

    jennscott5 New Member

    I just laughed out loud at "I want punch the next person ...in the face". I so agree. People are so rude to us. I wish we could be rude back. I'd like to say, "Well, i'm happy for you that you got pregnant just by opening your legs but some of us have to work a little harder".
  14. Snickerdoodle

    Snickerdoodle New Member

    i think for us the worst was about 4 years ago , the day my husband found out he had a 0 s/c and he would never have a bio child , he called his sister to talk to her and tell her this, right after he told her he couldnt have kids she goes oh well that is terrible but on the bright side your going to be an uncle again ( she was pregnant with #2) like seriously she couldnt wait a few weeks to tell him wtf ( he rarely talks to her anymore. Now my best friend who ive told about our problems and how we are seeing an RE now and everything told me well you probably wont get preggo right away it will probably take you awhile, and in the next breath she says but we are rtying for number #2 now and I know it will happen quickly for me since we got pregnant the first month last time.
    seriously with friends and family like these ( and the other comments posted on here) who needs enemies!
  15. amelie38

    amelie38 New Member

    Well, the good news is, I have some self restraint. I had to attend a family re-union on Saturday and I was told, "just to relax." Sigh, I could not punch them. I just kept my mouth shut.
    Yeah, I am 40 and we have been trying for over three years now. The only reason I am not getting pregnant is that I am not relaxed..... Right! (Intense sarcasm intended).
  16. babydoll00

    babydoll00 New Member

    Here's a few of mine I've heard:

    1. Prayer is cheaper than fertility drugs. My reply-I'm doing both.

    2. Some people just aren't meant be to parents. My thought(Do I look like I'm 100 and unable to try anymore and you have heard of adoption right?)

    3. At least you lost the baby before you knew it.
    (I'm sure it is harder to lose a child, but this did not make me feel any better.)

    4. What's wrong with you? Why are you not getting pregnant? (Now I'd like to know that myself)

    5. Well I never had any problems. (Good for you)

    6. Well so and so got pregnant after she lost weight. (Best to hold my tongue on that one)

    7. Well so and so took 2 pills and got pregnant (Been there, done that, doesn't work for everyone)

    8. Maybe you need to stop trying so hard (as opposed to what?)

    After my last loss I heard that a family member said "well she may never be able to have one."
    With my current pregnancy me and dh have decided to wait to see how everything goes before telling anyone, except for my mom and sis. It amazes me how people think some of the things they say can help. It is so insensitive and rude. They need to realize that sometimes somethings are just better left unsaid. They need to just be there and be supportive.
  17. bluesinseville

    bluesinseville New Member

    yeah, people suck

    The comments that are the hardest to take are always coming from pregnant women.

    When we told BIL that we were having trouble getting pregnant, after they had found out they had their second one on the way, my BIL tells me "SIL is just awesome. I can't believe how fertile she is, she's amazing". At this point we didn't even know if the infertility was male factor related.

    The parts that I think back on that pain me the most (disregarding all the comments here and there about trying to relax) was when my best friend who KNEW DH and I were TTC for a good two years already got preggers and emailed me and several of our friends all together to say: "After six whole months I'm FINALLY pregnant!!!!! I didn't believe it was possible". My jaw dropped that she was insensitive enough to include me on this email, knowing how long we were TTC. To top it off, immediately afterwards she sent me a private email saying "Hi hon, just wanted to let you know that it's true what they say, just when you stop obsessing about it, it will happen!"

    Same friend, about a month ago right when we decided to go for IVF and optimistically I was already looking into my plans for maternity leave, etc. and looking at what I would be allowed to take and discussing it with her she said "I can't believe you are even thinking about this stuff yet. You need to worry about getting pregnant first". UGH.

    Another one that wasn't really mean and was just mostly sad was a coworker of mine, in her mid 50s, childless, who told me that she was never able to have a child and every day regrets it, told me that I should cancel my IVF and take the money and go on vacation; that the reason I wasn't getting pregnant was...you guessed it....I wasn't relaxed! I felt so bad that she went her whole life thinking that the reason she never got pregnant was her inability to relax!

    Recently a newly pregnant friend emailed me after I had confided in her that we were going for IVF. She wrote me back telling me she had some very interesting information for me: that she got pregnant when she was totally relaxed and that the reason I was not pregnant was probably because I hadn't "let my body relax" yet and that maybe I didn't need IVF afterall. I was at my wit's end with pregnant lady relaxation advice and this was the email I sent her:

    "When people tell me this, it makes me feel like I am falling all the more deeper into a state of sadness and anger and isolation over my infertility because it is basically saying that the infertility -- a source of pain and turmoil in my life and in my marriage -- is essentially a problem that is within my own control and it is my own hysteria that is to blame. I know you mean well, but I can tell you that over the years I have heard this advice at least 50 times. But looking at things scientifically, statistically, whatever you want to call it, if it hasn't happened after all this time naturally, the likelihood that it is just a stress/relaxation problem has diminished to almost nothing and there is a very good chance that there is a real problem that is beyond my own ability to make it go away. I know we hear all the time about people who got in vitro and had their first kid and then BAM, three months later they were pregnant again naturally. Or we hear about people who are taking their temperatures and predicting their ovulation and trying to conceive for a year and when they finally decide to quit paying attention BAM they get pregnant. But I'm curious about all the people who NEVER got pregnant. Or who went through in vitro because they TRULY NEEDED it. Or who adopted because they never could have children of their own. I would bet that there are many more of those people than the ones that curiously ended up pregnant upon finally learning to relax. The ones who finally end up pregnant, well, they were obviously healthy and able to have children to begin with and it was just a matter of time for them."

    I got a VERY APOLOGETIC email reply from her.
  18. SSE1014

    SSE1014 New Member

    I seriously think I've heard it all...and then I was talking to my sister who is the proud mother of 3 boys.

    All 3 boys are now in school full time so she's having trouble filling her days. I tell her, now you know how I feel...

    As the conversation goes on, she says, "Be careful what you wish for."

    My response, "Imagine for one minute what your life you would be like without the boys....that's how I feel every day...what would you wish for?"

    She didn't really know what to say after that... My family and DH's family do not know we're receiving treatment, just that we're seeing an RE to "find out what's wrong." When we first saw an RE and rec'd treatment everyone knew...now we've decided to keep this to our selves, which is why I'm on this forum....


    I follow a blog called STFU Fertiles....and that pretty much says it all...Unless they're going through it, they don't get it...and sometimes those who've been through it and got their :bfp: forget what it's like...

    Thank goodness for all of us on here...It's my safety net!
  19. fooberryfizz

    fooberryfizz New Member

    A very pregnant co-worker once said to me (as she stroked her round belly) "Does it ever make you sad to look at my belly since you lost your baby and I still have mine?" The same wonderful girl said "I can't imagine having to pay for a baby. They're already so expensive! I'm just so glad I can have them so easily". Very difficult to bite my tongue...
  20. kristyr41982

    kristyr41982 New Member

    I've been getting really nasty comments lately regarding infertility and adoption. We have a bio son and an adopted daughter. My best friend has two girls who are 4 and 9 months. She's pregnant with #3 by accident and said to me the other day, I bet you hate me. Seriously! I said back, actually I don't want three kids. I'm content with the two I have so have fun with that. I think she said it because she's upset to be having another so close to her last and thought throwing a blow at me would make her feel better. The same friend said after my failed IVF and FET that I was lucky to just never conceive. It's better than having a miscarriage. Unless she's experienced both (which she has not) she needs to keep her mouth shut. I also got told one time that I was giving up too young because adoption was for the desperate people. That one really pissed me off!

    Oh, and I saved the adoption ones for last. She said a few weeks ago when we took the kids to the zoo that my daughter looked dark next to her daughter. Well duh! My daughter is Hispanic. I was thinking in my head I hope she doesn't think she's going to get lighter just because we adopted her. People are so insensitive. Another friend said when we told her we were adopting a child who was Hispanic she commented, What about the pictures? I'm thinking what about them? It's my family regardless if she looks like us or not. That's my unique journey displayed on the mantle and I'm so proud of my kids.

    Unfortunately people will remain inconsiderate and say dumb things. I do get entertainment sometimes though when I hear the insensitive comments.

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